Tuesday, May 25, 2010
Today I was thinking "My son is going to die one week from today..." Wierd, I know. But the thing is, he was so alive a week before he died. He was involved and talkative and had just graduated from a place where he loved the people and was looking forward to summer wilderness adventure and an international journey. Who would have ever guessed that - at that time - he could die? And now he's dead, even though each year at this time I think about him so much - and those last days - which I didn't know at the time were going to be so darn important to me. I would love to hear stories from other people of how he touched their lives. At the time of his death I listened to everyone and was a bit numb. Now I am ready to hear. - this post is by jan keaveny (facilitated by mrs. hopper)
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Sam and I were very different in a lot of ways. But deep down, I think we thought pretty similarly, enough so that I tended to think of him as an extension of my conscience: when I talked things through with him, we'd nearly always end up in the same place, whether or not I wanted to get there. It is this characteristic of him that I miss most.
A week or two before he died, I came up to St. Cloud to hang out with him. We drove around, talked about ladies (he always seemed to have more trouble in that department than a man of his caliber should, but I think it stemmed from his overwhelming love for everybody and his desire to make people happy, two traits that I wish would be more prevalent in the world), and just in general talking about the end of college and where we would be going next. If I remember anything of that trip, it was that Sam was happy. No matter what else was going on, he was in a good place in life and was looking forward to his future adventures. If there was any silver lining to his untimely death, it was that he died living the life that he loved, and that he truly was one of the Good People. Not perfect (who can be?), not knowing all the answers, but trying to get the most out of life and trying to be happy.
I still think about him, of all the things in my life I'd like to share with him, of all the things he would be sharing with me. I hope we'll get to catch up sometime.
It has been 25 years since we lost Sam. The only words that I have come to after many years is that his loss was so tragic and his time being cut short is at least a clean pain. It has never gone away and I have never made peace with Sam dying. I have recognized that the pain I feel from Sam dying so young and inexplicably is that it is not mired in details or anything complicated by a conflict or something dark.
Sam died before he even was able to explore his full potential and it that hurts me to this day.
I miss my friend and I am hurt that he was not able to live his full life.
I am hurt by the pain his family and friends feel.
At least it is a pure hurt. There is no extra details or anything that someone did wrong.
It just hurts and that is not going to change.
Sam altered my life and I am grateful for it even with the pain that I will carry until I see him again if that is what happens.
He was one of the golden people.
Jon Schearer
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