You'll have to forgive the punctuation and sentence structure..we can't all be English majors. Sam used to make fun of me all the time.
I moved away from Minnesota nine years ago after finishing college as a way to start a new path and find my identity as an adult. Admittedly, I tried to leave a lot of emotions about Sam behind because even a year after his death I couldn’t really handle thinking about him without feeling cheated, hurt, angry or lost. I was 22 and there was no justice or reconciliation to be had with losing my first love.
The funny thing about emotions is that they eventually catch up with you so when I stopped being hurt and angry I tried to think about why I felt so happy spending time with Sam.
Sam was magnetic and the days we spent together, although far too short in number, were effortless. He was a bright guy, witty, playful and competitive. He was compassionate and always tried to build up the self esteem of those around him careful not to make anyone feel small or slow. He had a presence that was larger than life but didn’t demand attention. He described himself “corny” because he found peace in the quiet of nature. He called himself “geeky” because he was proud to love learning and he was proud to love life.
When I think of Sam now I remember his laugh or I’ll think of the look he would get on his face just after he’s said something clever.
The reality is that at 22 years of age with Sam planning to student teach in Japan I don’t know where our paths would have taken us. Part of the tragedy of loss lies in the unknown future we anticipated with such great hope.
I have learned not to accept the standard answers we give because we are uncomfortable with grief. NOT everything happens for a reason. Sometimes bad things do happen to good people. These are real aspects of life. There is one exception and that is given enough time all wounds heal-- at least in part.
I am proud to have been involved in the life of such an extraordinary person.
I moved away from Minnesota nine years ago after finishing college as a way to start a new path and find my identity as an adult. Admittedly, I tried to leave a lot of emotions about Sam behind because even a year after his death I couldn’t really handle thinking about him without feeling cheated, hurt, angry or lost. I was 22 and there was no justice or reconciliation to be had with losing my first love.
The funny thing about emotions is that they eventually catch up with you so when I stopped being hurt and angry I tried to think about why I felt so happy spending time with Sam.
Sam was magnetic and the days we spent together, although far too short in number, were effortless. He was a bright guy, witty, playful and competitive. He was compassionate and always tried to build up the self esteem of those around him careful not to make anyone feel small or slow. He had a presence that was larger than life but didn’t demand attention. He described himself “corny” because he found peace in the quiet of nature. He called himself “geeky” because he was proud to love learning and he was proud to love life.
When I think of Sam now I remember his laugh or I’ll think of the look he would get on his face just after he’s said something clever.
The reality is that at 22 years of age with Sam planning to student teach in Japan I don’t know where our paths would have taken us. Part of the tragedy of loss lies in the unknown future we anticipated with such great hope.
I have learned not to accept the standard answers we give because we are uncomfortable with grief. NOT everything happens for a reason. Sometimes bad things do happen to good people. These are real aspects of life. There is one exception and that is given enough time all wounds heal-- at least in part.
I am proud to have been involved in the life of such an extraordinary person.
(written by Johanne Bates)
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